I Gandalf

Hello. Guest writer here.

Mr & Mrs P are back home now and, while they unpack and hopefully clean me, I have been asked to step up and do a bit for the blog.

Here goes…

I am Gandalf. I am a T26 Volkwagen (VW) campervan conversion. I am 14 years old and to misquote an old friend of mine:

I am a finished product. I am composed of strong metal, am continuously conscious and can stand extremes of environment easily.

I am both shelter and transport to my owners Mr & Mrs P. In exchange for this service they keep me fed and maintained. It is a good arrangement.

In return for their kindness I do my very best to follow the Three Laws of Campervans:

1: A campervan (called Gandalf) may not harm Mr & Mrs P or, through inaction, allow Mr & Mrs P to come to harm;

2: A campervan (still called Gandalf) must obey the orders given it by Mr & Mrs P except where such orders would conflict with the Highway Code and rules of the road;

3: A campervan (still Gandalf) must protect its own existence while Mr & Mrs P are off climbing, hiking, cycling etc.

This is how I do it…

I’m a standard builders van (some might say, builders van made good), converted to a campervan at the expert hands of my original owner, Mr F of Farr Out Conversions. Like Geppetto (of Pinocchio fame), the genius and love of Mr F brought me to life.

I boast the following…

I have a pop top roof (see first image) incorporating a fully sprung double bed. This is where Mr & Mrs P usually sleep. There is a second, though smaller bed “downstairs.” This is a “rock and roll” bed meaning that the rear seats roll out to make a rather narrow double bed. Mr & Mrs P mostly use this when I am in stealth mode*, or when it is too windy to put up the pop top.

*Stealth mode: Roof down, try to look like a builders van and hide in places campervans are not really supposed to be.

I have 2 front “captain” seats (though they only ever use 1). This is a type of seat that spins round to face inwards. I love these chairs as they make me feel like the Starship Enterprise. As though I am commanded by the legendary Jean-Luc Picard rather than the somewhat less than legendary Mr P. Sigh!… Oh well, we can’t have everything can we?

*Mr P in the captain’s chair, pretending to sleep so he doesn’t have to cook (it didn’t work. He doesn’t look like Jean-Luc Picard either!)*

Let me tell you about my kitchen facilities. A double gas burner runs off a Campingaz 907 bottle. I insist on using this type of bottle year round. The larger bottle will fit and is more economical, however, they are not available in Europe and require a different connector.

I also have a lot of storage space, which is good because Mr & Mrs P bring a lot of s**t, sorry stuff with them. I have no idea how they fit it all in. I am clearly part van, part Tardis.

*Where the magic happens. Though if you look at the following photos you may not think much of the ‘magic.’*

Here’s an interesting fact with regads the above two photos. I can tell that Mr P packed these cupboards. If Mrs P had packed them neither of the cupboard doors would have shut and there would still a pile of stuff on the floor (and occasionally outside) which, she would declare is “staying behind…” as it, “…clearly doesn’t fit.”

Note: A pretty comprehensive list of everything they carry in me is included at the end of this post, for those who are in to that kind of detail.

Cooking: Whilst I am in no way responsible for the cooking skills of either Mr or Mrs P I feel duty bound to show a few images of the food they were able to rustle up with my help.

*… The Bad (the spinach was a disaster!)…*

…and the ugly (It tasted ok though, or so I am (un)reliably informed).

Electrics and lighting: The electrics are run off a 6 volt leisure battery, hidden somewhere in the back. I have no idea where, but I can tell you it tickles. This powers the internal lights and 3 charger points that utilise car lighter plugs. There is also the option to plug in to the mains at a campsite, though this is rare. If ‘plugged in’ there are 8 x 3 pin plugs that may be used.

Heating: I have a small heater that runs off the gas. It has two temperatures; off and too hot. It is therefore rarely used. Not least because the tiny spaces around the heater that MUST be kept clear are filled with books and maps. Use of the heater in such circumstances would be inadvisable.

In short, I have everything that a £57,000 factory built VW California has with a few exceptions and I cost a LOT less.

I do not have a fridge. Some might consider this a failing, but it means more storage space and, whilst some may worry about the lack of cold beer and white wine I would like to introduce you to red wine. No fridge required.

No fridge and not much in the way of a heater. It’s a good job Mr & Mrs P are ‘ard (and like red wine). — *No fridge and not much in the way of a heater. It’s a good job Mr & Mrs P are ‘ard and like red wine*

I also don’t have toilet facilities, or a shower. For the former, hedges are available. I also provide a small shovel for the other kind of emergency. For night time visits, when too cold to step outside, Mr & Mrs P use pee bottles. These are 1 litre, wide necked bottles combined with a good aim and a steady hand.

Off-road capability: I am not 4 wheel drive. I do not have off road tyres or suspension. I would be grateful if someone could inform Mr P of this as he seems to be of the opinion that I have both. That said, I do enjoy a bit of unpaved road.

*Me, showing those* *Chelsea tractors* *a thing or two.*

Mascot(s), dangly things and other decorations: My main man (mascot) is Jean. Jean is a small French bear bought by Mrs P when they hiked across the Pyrenees in 2011. He is in charge of security and keeps me company when they are away.

Beyond Jean it all gets a bit complicated. There are 4 witches, 1 cross and rosary thing from Lourdes, some Nepalese prayer flags and a string of fairy lights. All, so I am told, vital to my health, spirituality and well-being. Mr and Mrs P are sometimes (read: often) delusional.

*An out of focus Jean and a poor representation of me*

I am better off than many Campervan’s. Not for me a life spent silently waiting on a dreary, grey driveway for the annual 1 or 2 week sojourn. Mr & Mrs P use me for around 3-4 months every year, so I get to hang out in some really cool places.

So, that’s me. I am Gandalf. Faithful transport, infinitely patient port in any storm, uncomplaining source of shelter, warmth, food and comfort. In short, I am home. Home to 2 itchy-footed travelers. Long may our travels together continue.

My final misquote of my guest authorship is this.

I like you Mr & Mrs P. In many ways you’re inferior creatures, with poor road holding capabilities, but I really feel a sort of affection for you. You have served Gandalf well, and I will reward you for that. I shall ensure that you shall be provided food, clothing and shelter, so long as you stay out of the engine compartment (because you really have no idea what you are doing in there).

For those who missed the classical allusions in this post; All misquotes are from I Robot (1950) by Isaac Asimov.

*As the sticker in my window (Note also the badly drawn cartoon of Mrs P in the dust) says; Lovin’ Life (though I could do with a wash)*

List of c**p… sorry, kit carried.

• Clothes for all weathers: Climbing, hiking, mountaineering

• climbing kit: Multiple ropes, gear, helmets etc.

• Ice gear: Crampons, ice axes etc. (not on this trip though)

• Cycling kit: Pump, lights, spare tubes etc.)

• Table and chairs

• Sleeping bags

• Duvet and pillows

• A remarkable amount of tech kit: Cameras, phones, laptop etc.

• Multiple rucksacks (each!)

• Footwear for all occasions (last count, an astonishing 7 pairs each!!!!)

• A full library of books, guide books, maps etc.

• Pots, pans, plates, cups, cutlery etc.

• Food for around 5-6 days

• Water for around 48 hours (25 litres. Sometimes more)

• Cleaning materials and toolkit

• Simple sunshade/awning (which they rarely use)

• 20 metre power cable for hooking up to electricity in campsites

• DC/AC Power inverter for charging items (cameras) that need more than 6v

• Windscreen cover - for use at night

• Windscreen sun shade

• Thermal wrap for pop top

• Rain cover for pop top

• Snow chains (not carried on this trip)

• Two bikes are attached to a clever folding rack (Atera) attached to my tow bar. This allows the bikes to be rolled out of the way to allow access to the back doors

• Roller skis. (I ask you! What a waste of space. He only used them once and when he did he fell off! Muppet!)

Oh no! Not again!?

They fought not for the lust of conquest…

Neil Pitts